19
Jul
Right now on the Divorcing a Real Witch book I’m feeling sort of…stuck. I’ve got the survey up and going, but I’m not getting a lot of response from the bloggers I’ve asked to help me out so far – and really, that’s up to them. I disappeared from the community just as I was achieving trajectory, so the “who the hell are you” reaction is understandable. Also, there needs to be research into neopagans the technological divide. Our keep-to-the-fringe tendencies makes us a community of very early or determinedly late adopters. I’d be utterly unsurprised if some Wiccans were sitting in a cave arguing about using cigarette lighters for fire right now.
This isn’t writer’s block. This is the old-fashioned inertia that creeps up on me when I’m doing something important, something that might change things, something that scares the living hell out of me. It’s also why I feel depressed, disengaged and ever so slightly self destructive. Like it or not, I am an artist, and I am intense. Right now the like it is on “not” because I want to just crank up the back of my brain like it’s an old fashioned car and set it to working and writing, but I can’t quite find the handle.
There’s this section of my consciousness that’s just puckered. Anxiety is sealing it closed. I’m thinking of the people who don’t want me to write, who are convinced that they have the authority to say I don’t have the authority, who will threaten all sorts of bullshit because of some imagined story that has nothing to do with what’s genuinely going on with me. People who resent me for making money. People who just want control over me still. Worse is that I might get harassed by people who pay way too much attention to me, while the people I want to reach might ignore me altogether. How much would that suck?
So today is a day of One Small Thing.
I’m doing this blog post. I revised my Llewellyn article. I also did some revision on the overview for my book proposal. That’s something. I’m also a little hungry – and in Write Yourself Right Cameron does say something about HALT (don’t get too hungry, angry, lonely or tired – which are my four primary emotions.)I pre-made salads this week to make sure I ate healthy at lunch; I can grab one of those. After that, I can write a thank you not to the sponsors of our Doctor Who meetup.
I need to come up with an article appropriate for the Witch’s Voice – it’s a lot harder to do now that they have no regular guidelines. I’m drawing a massive blank, too. I’m also not blogged ahead on Fat Chic, which I find distressing and unusual – but typical in July.
14
Jul
I used to think of grown-ups as these magic giants who could answer any question and open any jar. I am not yet one of these magic giants, I am simply a larger child who still needs her husband for jar and wine bottle opening, and who is highly averse to suggesting any answers, ever.
I miss my magic giants. These shorter copies they left behind just don’t know any answers either, and they’ll be damned if they admit it.
I went and checked out another writer’s group last night, and I left with the feeling that:
1. As a writer, I am utterly, violently outclassed by that entire group. These writers are really, REALLY good. Every single author I heard had something that’s definitely publishable and fantastic.
2. Their “every genre” is not likely to include “occult nonfiction.” While people went out of their way to be welcoming – and they really did – the first two responses I got to “I specialize in occult nonfiction” were:
“Isn’t that an oxymoron?”
and, “Should we call the police?”
I realize this was meant as teasing to some extent, but I got the sense with this group that jokes aren’t always entirely jokes. Especially since one woman at the table was showing the guy that asked me the oxymoron questions how she used her Smartphone to access Bible verses. It’s true that not everyone there is religious, and while I’ve been the sane public Pagan for many years, little things like that still make me profoundly uncomfortable; anything that says “look, I’m Chrisitan!” in a non-religious environment makes me just as twitchy as people doing “look! I’m Wiccan!” in groups that are meeting for say, political purposes.
It’s also a true old style writer’s group, where everyone reads out loud. I am terrible at the read out loud style of feedback on written work. So what I can contribute is highly limited, and I often find myself resenting the time taken up listening to someone read who does not necessarily know how to perform.
Although everyone was perfectly nice (more or less) and the guy next to me was friendly enough to share his obscure Italian beverage, at the end of the night the room we were in triggered an asthma attack forcing me to leave in the middle of the presentation from the guy who was the nicest to me, and on the way out of the room I stumbled in a drainage hole and did some sort of damage to my right foot. I take that as a bad omen all around.
It’s a shame. I was really hopeful about this group, especially since they don’t conflict with my water aerobics schedule – and I have decided that in terms of priorities, it’s
1. Writing
2. Exercise
3. Writer’s groups – and this can be lowered. Getting some sense of fitness back matters almost as much as the writing does right now. It’s partially calculated – I need to look closer to traditionally attractive in any author’s photos and public appearances – but it’s also because I’ve been sick for a very, VERY LONG time, and the disease if finally controlled enough that I can do something to recover. I really don’t know what my body’s baseline actually is, I just know it’s somewhere more muscular than where I’m at right now.
6
Jul
As some of you know, I’m a devotee of sorts to Julia Cameron’s creativity programs. One of her recommendations is that you find a “spot” some public place that connects you to your community. When I lived in smaller towns, this was easy enough: there was usually only one spot that suited said needs. Nowadays, however, I live in the Twin Cities which is, ultimately, a network of neighborhoods, only distinguishable once you learn to recognize the hallmarks of “good” “bad” and “transitioning.” While I love the district I live in – far northeast – I’m running into some problems I did not anticipate.
There are three coffee shops on Central. One I hate on principle: it has lousy seating where there is light, and no natural light where there is adequate seating. Also, I always feel slightly dizzy/sick when I go in there, which warns me I do NOT belong in there for whatever reason. The other two I have to bus to: one has replaced Big Gay Coffeeshop Vera’s, and is of much the same overpriced fare. The other has no A/C in summer, and while friendly and community oriented, has an owner who thinks it’s OK to argue with me about my allergies (UNCOOL) and the last time I was there I could swear I saw fruit flies come out of the lettuce in the sandwich I ordered. Also uncool, even though not controllable. The place is fine in winter, but for summer, doesn’t make a good workspace.
Also, since I live on the street with three buildings owned by Holy Land and a Mosque, it’s understandable if not happy that the Holy Land corporation has continued to buy up all the liquor licenses on the street. There are no bars that are open for standard bar hours. While there are a broad variety of restaurants, the popular one, Adelita’s, does not appeal to me at all. Sen Yai Lek is great for meeting friends for dinner, but not really a great hangout – and I know it’s weird, but for a place I’m going to go write and participate, I feel it should in some way be dedicated to Americana.
So while I can walk to an infinite variety of grocery options and the post office, I have virtually no options within walking distance for the two community anchors I would use the most. (The library across the street is being renovated, also ruling that out.) Certainly I can take the bus to a lot of places (I share a car, and Mike gets it for work) but when you’re lugging a laptop that does have its limits.
I realize much of this is sheer cussed pickiness. But a place must be JUST right. And safe. Safe is way important these days.
14
May
For other pagan-writer types who read this at my main site or on my LJ:
Facing North needs reviewers!
No, really, Lisa’s got a stack of books that’s threatening to force a neighborhood rezoning. The full details are here.
I’ve known Lisa for well over a decade and worked with her just a little less than that; this is as stable and well-organized as a pagan-oriented project can get. Also, you get to work for books. The catch is that you have to actually read them.
Also, and related to my work with Facing North:
I need hungry people this week.
I’m reviewing a book called Lucid Food: Cooking for an Eco-Conscious Life
There were no kale chips recommended in the book, it was just an adventure warmup.
Over the course of the week I’m going to be making salads with nori and kale, avocado-carob smoothies and walnut cakes. Tonight I’m making chickpea cakes since it will be the least difficult to get Mike to eat. I hope.
So, except for Monday night, if you’re in Minneapolis – and I know you – let me know if you’d like to stop by for a culinary experiment for lunch or dinner. Joel and Mike can’t eat everything, after all.
This Mercury Retrograde has been surprisingly active for me. It makes me wonder what’s coming when it ends around May 11th. This reminds me, I still need to read my AstrologyZone forecast. While I don’t subscribe to astrology as an answer in all things, I approach it more as a weather report that sometimes just misses, Susan Miller’s abilities and accuracies continue to astonish me.
Among the things accomplished/set in motion thus far:
There’s a lot of rewriting to do, and a survey to release – watch this space for said survey. I’m also going to muster up an article for Witch’s Voice that will hopefully a)fit whatever’s passing for a theme these days and b)will draw attention to my project.
So yes, I’m hurtling down the path towards something happening, whatever that may be.
Also, I decided not to do a post about it, but I did want to point to Diana Gabaldon’s comments on fanfiction. The general consensus is that fanfic is only illegal when the copyright holder objects. While I can’t speak for all creative people, I know that Joss Whedon has actually supported fanfic, and the reason the Doctor Who universe was resurrected is because fans kept it going with Big Finish Audio (now canon.) I’ll talk more about this in the future, first because I do write some for TV shows I love, but also because a lot of people misunderstand what fanfiction can really do for your writing. Do not assume because someone writes fanfic that they are a beginner even when the fanfic is awful.
So that’s what’s rolling right now. It looks like a lot, but trust me, it’s all done in very small daily steps so I can still wash dishes and fold laundry.
Read an entry on Metafilter about Charlie Stross and the “writing lifestyle” which, I concur, isn’t so much of a lifestyle as it is telecommuting without a target. I was reminded of a few things, and learned a few things that were oddly reassuring, especially as I’m in the process of crafting a query letter and book proposal for the right agent, who is somewhere in my star pattern now.
I learned one interesting factoid:
The average age of entry into full time writing is 34. Well, by golly, I’m 34. I think I’ll stay 34 for a while, maybe a year or so.
I find this strangely reassuring. I’m average. I’m not hopelessly behind and dog-paddling in the kiddie lane like I thought I was. I’m right there with the rest of the class, right down to feeling confused as hell as publishing somersaults through incomprehensible change.
There’s a sort of post-modern entitlement theme these days of “I’m 30, where’s my sportscar?” I see a lot. Nearly every 30 something I knew went through some sort of identity crisis around 29/30 at the shocking realization that they have no accomplished all the stuff you’re supposed to by age 30. I did, too, though I tried to stifle it. These individuals are also quite surprised that they do not immediately cease to exist in a poof! of cultural irrelevance.
By now it’s pretty clear what Qabala and all those other traditions are talking about: you don’t calm the fuck down until you’re 30, and you finally get bored with the drama instead of seeking it out.
While in many ways I still feel hopelessly amateur, especially coming into this project, I accept that I have a long way to go and I’m learning to live without the guarantees. But if someone can point me at how to do the whole agent hunt/query thing right, I’d be grateful.
28
Apr
Scene 1: a smallish bar in the North Loop of Minneapolis, just before sunset
“Hey! I’ve never seen you wear makeup before.”
“Yes you have.”
“Really? When?”
“Every time you’ve seen me.”
“Has it always been darker when I’ve seen you before?”
Scene 2: Como Zoo, out by the sea lions. I am sitting on a bench fiddling with my phone and talking to Joel. We hear loud music invade the entire space. It is obviously not a ring tone.
Joel: Right, make sure everyone hears your music.
Me: (calling out in general) So how small is your dick?
Joel: That was a woman.
Me: See what I mean?
Scene 3: In my kitchen/entryway with Mike. He is kissing me hello, and we are having one of those cutesie conversations.
“I like most of what you bring.”
“Really?”
“Well, sometimes there’s a reason for a qualifier. How was your day?”
“At lunch I kept hoping a baby at the table behind us would bite a lady in the jugular.”
“See, there’s an example of why I use that qualifier.”
26
Apr
Today is the First Day back at the keyboard after finishing the rough draft of the book on divorce and Wicca. I’m going to change the title to something catchy and borderline offensive, like “Divorcing a Real Witch.” I need to give this work the best chance that I can give it, after all, and if that means a less-than-appealing appeal, so be it. Titles are tough for me. Although I’ve noticed that the titles that draw the most attention actually are cliche’ driven.
I knew the mini-crisis I’m sitting in is brought on by the whole momentousness of finishing a first draft and thinking, “OK…now what?” I also realize that completing an entire first draft is not what a publisher or agent might want me to do. I fully expect to rewrite all of the book in any case, so having that draft on hand makes life just a little easier for me.
Now I’m attempting to gather my wits for creating a book proposal. I’ve written outlines before, sure, and in the 90s I sent out a few book proposals. All but one got some genuine interest, and then I promptly chickened out. At that time I needed someone who had been there to talk me through it, but at the time those people just weren’t around. Those that were qualified to offer such advice wrote for academic fields and were usually just as uncomfortable with my writing for the commercial market as they were with me writing about witchcraft. Because of the obvious discomfort, I chose not to go to them with these project success/failure points. I guess I wasn’t a great mentee.
As it is, I suspected myself of stalling work this morning when I suddenly felt the need to cook myself up a huge breakfast, linger over my morning pages, and then I did what I never do… I checked my phone before 3 pm.
Lo and behold, some friends needed a babysitter now. So I opted for a day that ended with me bribing a three year old to pull a wagon while I carried his easily motion-sick brother the rest of the way home.1 So my morning time went, and I’m blogging now. While I am looking up how to do book proposals, mostly I’m just getting some panic noises in the front of my brain.
- Child handled motion sickness by gradually tipping over in the wagon until he rested on his head. I am so not cut out to be a mother. His brother recognized the situation and took advantage of it, with an actual “I won’t pull the wagon unless there’s something in it for me.” Little bastard. [↩]
24
Apr
As of Thursday: The first draft on handparting and Wicca is done! Joy!
Now there’s a whole lot more work to do, of course, but this is the first time I have written a work that long, ever. I realize that it’s a long road ahead, but hopefully with careful care and a little help from my friends I can bring this puppy into print (or digital issue) once I get all the phases done.
As the next part of my work, I’m also going to be posting a very long survey online, and asking people who are Pagan and divorced in the Twin Cities area if they’re willing to sit down and do an interview with me. I would like to get as many of these interviews on camera as possible, because I plan to open a web page with a few of these videos. I may be able to string together an online documentary if the interviews are of sufficient quality.
Along with the survey I will post the outline and sample chapters (after much rewriting, I’m sure.) I am seeking an agent to represent me. I’m also wondering if I should start a Facebook fan page under my own name. While Facebook is the devil, it does have marketing clout.
I’m already feeling quite celebratory, and I had friends over last night as a sort of indirect celebration.
And now, more work ahead.
One small thing. It works.