It’s not.
The only time I’ve encountered darkness and violence as a result of my religious preference has been when people who are NOT Wiccan decided to be assholes about it. Much of the “violence” comes when a family member who is not Wiccan has an inappropriate sense of what s/he has any right to control.
But for the under 18s, they can still make you go to their church. But no one has a right to control what you think, despite motherly selfish con artistry since Eve. Hang in there.
I’m not eating your cats or your children. I don’t need baby fat for flying ointment when olive oil is so easily obtainable these days.
Oh, and I’m positive I’m not going to hell. But you might want to take a step back and think about where you’re living; I’m pretty sure spending that much time scared and angry is hell. I’ve always liked God, and I can’t imagine my big buddy being pleased with anyone doing a job he’s already quite good at.
14
Jan
While I disagree strongly that religion is the only way or even necessarily the right way to instill the basic values of respecting property, using violence only when necessary, communicating honestly and truthfully, and encouraging respect through asking questions rather than operating on labels formed by parents, it is for the most part the system we have and the only system parents themselves know. It’s often the false belief that you can only be a good person if you have religion, or all too often, if you are Christian (with a patronizing “maybe” for the other monotheists at the party.)
I certainly don’t believe that religion is the only path to “righteousness” or as I prefer, “decency.” I’ve seen plenty of firsthand behavior that has demonstrated devout Christians, Muslims and neopagans being terrible, terrible people and every single one of them had some excuse crafted from a convenient and deliberate lie to themselves from their own religion. Religion as a tool for community in instilling positive values is a great thing as long as the values are placed ahead of the religion. Sometimes, that’s just not so, unfortunately.
So when a minor comes to me with questions about practicing Wicca and getting away from their familial religion, those children certainly have my empathy, although I frankly question their motivations the same as I would any adult practitioner. Even though they have my empathy, I will get away from that line of dialog as fast as I can.
Why?
Mainly because there’s a good chance their parents are crazy. Lawsuits for corruption of a minor or even worse implying some sort of inappropriate acts with the children flash before my eyes. I do not want some kid’s parents stomping over my home and privacy because that kid just wants to hang a pentacle in his or her room.
Also, because as long as the parents are not abusive, those kids have no civil rights. None. Not until you’re 18, and thus old enough to die in a war. You do get Miranda rights – you’re still responsible to behave legally, you just can’t sign any contracts1 and your parents get to make all the decisions about your welfare – religion included. Some parents are more lax about it than others, but ultimately the parental units make that final decision about how much freedom you do or don’t have.
I realize if you really want to practice Wicca, that sucks.
But since I’m pretty sure a good chunk of people don’t want to practice Wicca so much as they want to be “just like Willow,” I think it’s fine.
I don’t believe Wicca – or any other form of neopaganism – is or ever was supposed to be a growth religion. And when kids get “into it” it and then drop it when they find out exactly how mundane and non-dramatic magic really is, it devalues the longterm cultural legitimacy of my faith. It already took us until 1980 to get recognized by the IRS, and even that’s shaky ground.
For the rare and truly serious child, there will be a few things quite evident early on:
Wicca is a religion of calling. It is not meant for everyone, it should not be meant for everyone and we don’t have a particular message to bring to the masses. We are part of the crowds and a fair chunk of us do our work from there.2 To practice Wicca, you do not need a pentacle. While the Burning Times was a myth, an interesting part of that myth is also an interesting object lesson: part of the myth is that brooms, bells and besoms were used as ritual implements because it was what they had on hand anyway as they were common household objects. Why nowadays it’s only valid if it’s specially purchased and obviously different or it’s “olde” comes back to a long list of personal insecurities revolving around being a younger-sibling religion.
If you are under 18, I would say that unless your parents are Wiccan, you don’t need to be Wiccan, either. I would suggest the following if you really and truly want to emerge as an adult Wiccan the following:
1. Keep going through with your family’s core faith. God/ess can find you anywhere. The better you understand your religion of birth, the better equipped you’ll be for spiritual experience outside of it. Explore other versions of your birth religion’s faith: I think people who come to Wicca as damaged Christians hating all Christianity when they know only a fraction of it range between the tragic and pathetic, and those wounds give you a crap foundation for magic.
2. Journal, and look closely at yourself. If you tend to be petty and jealous, you need to work on that before it turns you into a warped adult of any religion. This is true even if you think of your own jealousy as “normal.” If you know things are wrong in your home, find the courage to get help somehow. I realize a lot of people are attracted to Wicca because of the lack of control in their lives, so getting in some third party help is a good thing. Just be prepared, and be totally honest about what’s going on. Have evidence. We no longer live in a world where people can take you at your word, so making up stories for attention is a spectacularly bad and damaging thing to do.
3. Pray. No, seriously – taking time out daily to pray is generally acceptable by parents and can help you get a handle on what’s going on around you. You can pray to your family’s god or to God/ess, just get used to having that line of dialog open, and make sure you have some moments of “silent prayer” to give God/ess an opportunity to talk back.
4. You don’t need to read books on Wicca to learn about magic. Depending on how strict your family is, you can read up on ancient history and civilizations, mythology, physics and other sciences, skeptical reasoning, interpersonal communications and body language and a bunch of other stuff that will definitely come in handy should you choose Wicca as an adult.
It’s a complicated matter, and when you’re a kid you’re either guessing blind or not thinking about the future at all. I was guessing blind – my every thought was about the future as that was where all my hope lived. But to make it work, you have to work with your present – and having one less thing to fight with your mother about (assuming it’s possible to avoid fights with your mother) is probably a good thing.
- which is why I consider confirmation vows made before age 18 invalid [↩]
- I’m sure some predatory Evangelical will make hay with that one. [↩]
Oh, credentials do matter most of the time. The vast majority of the time. Very few people would buy anything from my perfumery without checking my feedback to make sure at the very least I’m not selling the contents of my armpit. That’s reasonable. And of course you want to know who your babysitter is, who his/her parents are or if an adult whether he/she is property insured and vested – and knows CPR. And of course, in Wicca, if you’re going to join a coven and do the initiation gig, you should know that the person has actually practiced Wicca for a long time and if doing anything beyond first degree initiations has actually had an initiation conferred upon him/herself somewhere else down the line.
That said, there are a few people with axes to grind or something to prove or some screwed up need to feel important who just take it too far, and do not know that sometimes a person’s initiatory tree just isn’t relevant. Forgive me, I just ran into a pack of related head-up-assery on that very thing today. For a religion that might point to knowledge-seeking as a constant, there sure are a lot of know-it-alls, and as usual, the know-it-alls never actually have anything useful to share/say.
I’m having a metaphysical issue. So I explain where I’m coming from (I think) – since NOT explaining where I’m coming from has resulted in me being told how to wipe my ass instead of just being handed the toilet paper – and I detail what I have done about the problem thus far. The result is that I and people I’m no longer connected to are being called “frauds” over something that’s not relevant to the issue and that I am in no way obligated to prove. I don’t give a flying fuck whether you believe I have the credentials I say I do1 I’m not trying to teach, I’m trying to fix a problem and if I’m lucky learn something – so the veracity of my background isn’t relevant. Now if you have something relevant and helpful to share, share it – if you ARE whatever muckity-muck trad and the useful and relevant thing that might help someone having a problem is oathbound, then you need to consider the possibility that a)YOU are in fact being conned and b)if perhaps your understanding of how Wicca is supposed to work in your life has gotten a bit warped.
Kids, there is no central Wiccan registry. And I subscribe to a practice of Wicca that acknowledges at some point, somebody just made some shit up that happens to fit around and work with a design concept and magical energy. The shape worked. The intiations, while energetically important, are also the biggest part of the Shit Someone Just Made Up. Secrets are strictly a human concept, not a divine one, and I’m not so self-important to think that my knowledge is in any way equivalent to instructions on how to built an atom bomb – and those, dear readers, are available in your public library.
I’ve been at this 14 years with no dabbling phase. I’m convinced the reason for the lack of 202 is not the fault of publishers, but the fault of this jackassery. I’m a 3rd degree who doesn’t know everything. Apparently admitting I don’t know everything makes me in some way suspicious. That’s fine, random idiot. You think I’m a fraud. I’ll think you’re a jackass.
- Since apparently having two thirds at my age is “rare.” It is only rare because many people my age and younger have the attention spans of fruit flies and/or confuse Wicca with science fiction. [↩]
I’m going to say up front that while the maiden/mother/crone archetype has its applications in mythology, I am a bit jealous that the men get “to do” archetypes in Wicca while women get “to be” archetypes.1 As a woman who is definitely too old for the maiden phase, who expressly refuses to bear children and who is far from menopause, I feel vaguely excluded – or like I’m being pressured to get knocked up, and that I won’t have “value” or be “part of the club” unless I do. (This requirement for membership makes it less appealing, not moreso, at least to me.)
Men get certain things like “hunter” and “sage” although “father” and “wise old man” work their ways in somewhere. But women seem to be classified solely by their fertility except in the rare cases of traditions that include “priestess” and “warrioress.” What would be the word for a woman who is fertile, but refuses? Not a Lilith, because she didn’t refuse – oh no, she really didn’t.
Not a maiden. Maidens are considered chaste; refusal includes to some extent sex, or at least intimates an absence of sexual experience.
I’m tempted to draw from a modern archetype, such as Greta Garbo, just because children were not something sexually active women really had a choice about until the advent of birth control. A woman who clearly enjoyed her life in a constructive manner, and left a powerful legacy that involved creations other than children. I like that – a Garbo. All the same I’ll search for some mythological term, but she’s who I’ll have in mind.
- Boys, only you get penis envy. Women get privilege envy. [↩]
I’ve been Wiccan for 14 years now, and writing about it for about 11 years – over that time I’ve had to rethink a few things since part of this religion is accepting that what you believe can and will change over time. While I still identify – and get identified – as Wiccan – there are certainly some old tropes that come with Wicca-as-culture that I’ve taken a much closer look at. Some I’ve assumed, many I’ve rejected.
1. Spoon-feeding in magical texts is a myth. I’ve read some pretty fluffy books over time, with historical inaccuracies, outright plagiarism and less-than-novel approaches. Not one of them – not even the ones that give you a step-by-step on magical practice – can possibly give you a complete how to. I’ve met a lot of people who concoct some grand schemes to keep a magically identified person from doing anything magical that might somehow change their immediate reality, and some of them go so far as to make claims about books making it “too easy.” Notably those who complain the loudest haven’t actually read the books in question – and if they did find a book that does “make it easy” that person would not try anything anyway.
2. Astrology might actually have some merit. I’m not opposed to astrology but it’s definitely not the first place I go when making life plans or decisions. I blame my resistance to astrology on the way it’s usually packaged: if it’s something a Cosmo reader can carry on about, I generally want to avoid it. And while I don’t think it’s applicable in a “cross science way” since it’s absolutely not a science but a complex form of mathematical arts, I do think that its use as a forecast of my odds for getting hit by an asteroid at any given moment in time are pretty good.
3. Thoughtful, down-to-earth neopagan types are much less superstitious than their mainstream counterparts. Please note the qualifiers. Those who come grounded in reality and are in the religion because it fits – rather than because they’re looking to escape something – tend to not fear things like tarot cards, cemeteries, buildings at night. Because so many of us are so willing to believe the improbable, we’re comfortable enough not to give it much thought when the improbable doesn’t happen.
4. The neopagan types who are superstitious try a little to hard. Sometimes a building or person just isn’t haunted. Sometimes it wasn’t a psychic experience, it was just indigestion.
5. There’s nothing wrong with making money and living comfortably. Having enough money to feed your family, keep a roof over your head and buy a non-premium cable package will not corrupt your spirit unless your spirit is already corrupt. In fact, caring for yourself and your family should be the first tier of personal resonsibility. Martyrdom doesn’t come with any prizes.
6. Interfaith dialogue has its limits. There are some people where you just can’t get anywhere, and most mainstream religion is agenda-driven while most neopaganism isn’t. We typically don’t have membership goals or church building funds to worry about, making it easier to leave conversion off the table.
7. Neopagans can be religious bigots in their own right. One poorly behaved church does not an experience with the whole of Christianity or any other religion make.
8. Clergy should be paid for their basic services. There are personal sacrifices made as part of priesthood. As we get more pagan seminaries like Cherry Hill and more individuals who are properly trained, we should treat the services received and the people who deliver those services with the respect and support that they deserve, particularly since most people never go beyond a sort of dabbing-with-witchcraft interest in the religion but are quick to call upon the more experienced. This will also put in place much needed go-to points for weddings, funerals and family mediations.
- Image by daveelf via Flickr
Admittedly, I haven’t been online active in the Pagan web since the heyday of Medea’s Chariot, and that site is the now dead-from-neglect child of divorce. I’ve grown up a lot since then, so while my religion is still the same, my spiritual perspectives have changed quite a bit. This also means it’s much more difficult for me to find a conversation online or in-person that I want to engage in: it’s not a judgment of right or wrong, it’s simply a disparity between my own values and thematic outwardly-shared values of my neopagan brethren that makes it a little hard to get a satisfying conversation rolling. There’s also the issue that the same subjects keep coming up over and over again, little controversies (robed or unrobed? 9 foot circle with a rope or with energy direction? Is fluffly a familiar?) that aren’t intended to have resolution. And there’s also the matters of time, and reputation. I have interests expanding far beyond the occult and Wicca, but if that’s all people ever want to talk to me about it, I feel like I’ve fallen culturally short.
Still, sometimes I just need a fix, or a few perspectives. I go to these sites because I usually get something out of them, although my extended periods of silence on a few of these sites often causes people to take me for a noob and engage in some really patronizing shenanigans. But, like in all things: the negative is what grabs your attention, but for the most part, they’re all pretty good.
1. Wild Hunt – arguably the best and most comprehensive coverage of Pagan interest at the moment. I don’t much listen to podcasts, but the blog itself is extremely satisfying and well done.
2. Facing North. Lisa McSherry has gathered some of the more thoughtful book and material reviewers to write for this site, and it gives sincere and deep perspective on what’s out there, more than the walk-too-lightly approach many publications take for fear of hurting feelings. These are thoughtful evaluations, sometimes as much intended for the author of the work as they are for readers determining whether to buy, and it does gather and observe all paths. (Full disclosure: I am a contributor to this site.)
3. Letters from Hardscrabble Creek, Chas Clifton’s blog, turns up some academic and Paganism as we’re relearning it points that always give me some food for thought.
4. Barbelith forums. This isn’t a place (usually) for daily chatter, but it is a collection of really thoughtful, mostly sane people who explore with seriousness concepts in magical practice – along with thousands of other topics. You do have to apply for admittance to the forum, but once you’re in, it’s well worth the efforts.
5. Twitter. That’s right, you read that. If you download Tweetdeck and use the search feature to highlight discussions about the occult, Wicca, and so on you will sooner or later find conversations you want to pursue. I use Twitter for multiple venues and interests, and it’s been useful for me in meeting people and getting to know them better.
6. PaganSpace. Part of Ning network’s confusing “diy” social networks, it is reasonably well-run, although it can take some time to develop a little savvy about how to make it work for you. While this site does have a user-fluff factor, it also has a series of private groups and plenty of ways you can go and make your own conversation in the groups section.
Children/teenagers were recently banned from the network, and while that has created some upset, I consider it a favorable and responsible act on the part of management. The entire situation with parents and their children is a messy legal minefield, and until there’s a major corporation setting it up, there’s just no safe way to guarantee a kid-friendly Pagan network without close person to person networking and vetting.
7. Witch’s Voice. Not so much a community these days, but more an information portal, it’s now the “old school” way of connecting to Pagans locally, using their considerable listing pages. While some essays are interesting and Wren’s nest continues to find news and information of interest to all pagans on what might be considered the first Pagan news blog, the fall off in managed content has made the site a little bit scattershot. It is still, however, probably the one place everyone entering the Pagan community needs to go first – but where they need to go after that remains a little vague.
8. The Magical Buffet looks to need a little help with coming to for with technology, but is an interesting buffet of politics, magic and esoteric thought.
9. Occult Corpus is a pan- occultism discussion forum that I sometimes lurk on. While the conversations can be maddening, the links to general information are very interesting reading. You could arguably get a full electronic library of classic occult texts in your head if you took the time to read every single link in their stickies.
10. Occultforums is very similar in spirit and style to the above forums, but sometimes gives you a different perspective.
I’m sure I’m missing great big chunks of excellent out in the Pagan sphere. If I were in my 20s I would be spending hours a day building an encyclopedic knowledge of what resources are available to me. This is my 30s – I’d like there to be more to me than my religion.
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I was reading the book Epilogue: A Memoir
and the author’s discussion about her husband’s death, about her grief, about her attempts to find new companionship brought to mind my divorce and my grief over it. It also made me think of an acquaintance going through a divorce, and how what she’s written of her experiences are so very similar to my own internal life when it first happened. It’s also brought to light one of the reasons I’ve had so much trouble getting the book on Wicca and Divorce of the ground: yes, it’s been years, yes, I’ve moved forward into a new relationship, but no, I’m not quite done and it’s not the sort of thing I can or should force. Emotions and loves don’t wrap up in end in neat little packages and it’s a disappointing behavior of modern life that people think they should; I blame this idea on too many people modeling their emotional lives after thirty minute sit-coms. Living doesn’t give you neat conclusions; otherwise you wouldn’t shit yourself when you die.
With that perspective, this is what poured out of me this afternoon.