Happy SamhainOctober 31, 2012 by di | Filed under the Big Picture.
10 years ago today, I filed for divorce. Today, I’m going to an office with my current husband and signing for a mortgage. I initially asked that the day be changed, but then I checked some Mercury Retrograde warning stuff and decided to just live with the symmetrical alignment.
There’s a lot I could say about my ex-husband. Truth is, I just don’t have that much I need to say about him. He hurt me, many times. He still never hurt me as much as my family did. In his case, the majority of injuries inflicted were accidents. Only with time and distance could I see how much his own family fucked him up, usually by means of entitlement and near total self-involvement. Of course I remember every injury, but if I haven’t forgiven it it doesn’t matter – I just don’t feel the wounds from him anymore.
Now that I’ve come to understand that my family functioned as a cult and not as a family, it’s a lot easier for me not to think about them, either. Maybe I can lay that to rest, too.
What is on my mind is the stress of the art/bake sale tomorrow.
I’ve spent the last seven days in my kitchen trying to bake off stuff so we don’t have to move with it. While it’s a short move anyway, I really do believe that less stuff to pack and move is better in general. I may not want to see a kitchen until well after I move. My apartment manager has been getting progressively more obnoxious and controlling about the party room until she now says we’re only allowed to have 10 people (despite a sign that says capacity 40) and I’m pretty sure she only does it to prevent us from doing exactly what we’re doing. Nevermind I’ve seen Passion Parties, etc. in there. I’m worried she’ll create trouble.
I also have a bunch of stuff I need to freecycle tomorrow. I figure… two birds.
I’ve got nothing specific planned for Samhain. Most of the time I don’t mind not having a coven and not having a network of “party friends” but this is the one day of year I really feel it. That vague sense of depression – it used to happen while I was in a coven, too, partly because it was a cybercoven. There I was, stuck at a computer while my friends were out bonding and building memories (and occasionally erasing them.) I think some of my friends do want to approach me, but also are unsure about protocol – it’s wonderful that my non-Pagan friends are so supportive and respectful of my faith. On the other hand, I wouldn’t mind being asked to come out and play.